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Two and a Half Men subtitles

 
Two and a Half Men ((2003))
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season: #1 -  #2 -  #3 -  #4 -  #5 -  #6 -  #7 -  #8 -  #9 -  #10 -  #11 -  #12 -  unsorted subtitles
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Cast: Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Charlie Sheen, Conchata Ferrell, Holland Taylor
Rating: 7.1 / 10 (211982 votes)
"Two adults. One kid. No grown-ups.". A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.
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TV series episodes
Episode name # IMDb rating Release date
season 1
0. Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal: Original Pilot 1 8.4
1. Pilot 108 8.4 Sep 22, 2003
2. Big Flappy Bastards 94 8 Sep 29, 2003
3. Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell 86 7.9 Oct 6, 2003
4. If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap 86 8.2 Oct 13, 2003
5. The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump 67 8.1 Oct 20, 2003
6. Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? 71 7.8 Oct 27, 2003
7. If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake 73 8.5 Nov 3, 2003
8. Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful 77 8.1 Nov 10, 2003
9. Phase One, Complete 76 7.9 Nov 17, 2003
10. Merry Thanksgiving 77 8.3 Nov 24, 2003
11. Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor 81 7.8 Dec 15, 2003
12. Camel Filters and Pheromones 79 8.9 Jan 5, 2004
13. Sarah Like Puny Alan 73 7.9 Jan 12, 2004
14. I Can't Afford Hyenas 70 8 Feb 2, 2004
15. Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick 63 8.1 Feb 9, 2004
16. That Was Saliva, Alan 75 8.1 Feb 16, 2004
17. Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats 72 8.1 Feb 23, 2004
18. An Old Flame with a New Wick 79 8.6 Mar 1, 2004
19. I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You 71 8.3 Mar 22, 2004
20. Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark 67 7.8 Apr 19, 2004
21. No Sniffing, No Wowing 72 8.2 May 3, 2004
22. My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet 68 8.1 May 10, 2004
23. Just Like Buffalo 75 8.7 May 17, 2004
24. Can You Feel My Finger 71 8.3 May 24, 2004
season 2
1. Back Off Mary Poppins 74 8.2
2. Enjoy Those Garlic Balls 57 7.8
3. A Bag Full of Jawea 54 8.2
4. Go Get Mommy's Bra 57 8.1
5. Bad News from the Clinic 76 7.9
6. The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance 49 8.1
7. A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana 58 7.7
8. Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers 52 8.2
9. Yes, Monsignor 47 8.1
10. The Salmon Under My Sweater 58 8.2
11. Last Chance to See Those Tattoos 58 8.2
12. A Lung Full of Alan 55 8.2
13. Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów 53 8.4
14. Those Big Pink Things with Coconut 61 8
15. Smell the Umbrella Stand 61 8.1
16. Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? 58 8.4
17. Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! 77 8.1
18. It Was Mame, Mom 55 8.3
19. A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise 58 8.1
20. I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey 52 7.9
21. A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On 67 8.1
22. That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother 63 7.8
23. Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab 66 8.8
24. Does This Smell Funny to You 92 8.5
season 3
1. Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts 136 8.1
2. Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover 92 8.3
3. Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark 69 8
4. Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs 59 8
5. We Called It Mr. Pinky 68 8
6. Hi, Mr. Horned One 58 8.6
7. Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop 60 8.2
8. That Voodoo That I Do Do 56 8.5
9. Madame and Her Special Friend 68 8.2
10. Something Salted and Twisted 72 7.8
11. Santa's Village of the Damned 59 8.4
12. That Special Tug 52 8.3
13. Humiliation Is a Visual Medium 58 7.9
14. Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded 59 8.3
15. My Tongue Is Meat 67 8
16. Ergo, the Booty Call 62 8.5
17. The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer 59 7.8
18. The Spit-Covered Cobbler 55 7.8
19. Golly Moses, She's a Muffin 64 8
20. Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro 60 8.4
21. And the Plot Moistens 58 8
22. Just Once with Aunt Sophie 61 8.1
23. Arguments for the Quickie 59 7.9
24. That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite 64 8.3
season 4
1. Working for Caligula 169 7.9
2. Who's Vod Kanockers 64 8
3. The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress 64 7.8
4. A Pot Smoking Monkey 62 7.7
5. A Live Woman of Proven Fertility 64 8
6. Apologies for the Frivolity 67 8.4
7. Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head 75 8.1
8. Release the Dogs 59 8.1
9. Corey's Been Dead for an Hour 52 7.9
10. Kissing Abraham Lincoln 50 8
11. Walnuts and Demerol 63 8.7
12. Castrating Sheep in Montana 62 7.8
13. Don't Worry, Speed Racer 48 7.8
14. That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami 54 7.9
15. My Damn Stalker 55 8.1
16. Young People Have Phlegm Too 48 8
17. I Merely Slept with a Commie 61 7.9
18. It Never Rains in Hooterville 50 7.8
19. Smooth as a Ken Doll 51 8.3
20. Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot 56 8.3
21. Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous 59 8
22. Mr. McGlue's Feedbag 56 8
23. Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin 60 8.3
24. Prostitutes and Gelato 57 8.4
season 5
1. Large Birds, Spiders and Mom 57 8.1
2. Media Room Slash Dungeon 60 8.1
3. Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo 56 8
4. City of Great Racks 61 8.1
5. Putting Swim Fins on a Cat 66 8.1
6. Help Daddy Find His Toenail 63 8.1
7. Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room 70 7.9
8. Is There a Mrs. Waffles? 66 8.6
9. Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids 62 8.1
10. Kinda Like Necrophilia 89 8.2
11. Meander to Your Dander 70 8.2
12. A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh 72 8.1
13. The Soil is Moist 60 8.3
14. Winky-Dink Time 70 8.1
15. Rough Night in Hump Junction 66 8
16. Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty 65 8.1
17. Fish in a Drawer 63 8.8
18. If My Hole Could Talk 65 7.9
19. Waiting for the Right Snapper 62 8.1
season 6
1. Taterhead Is Our Love Child 91 8.1
2. Pie Hole, Herb 55 7.9
3. Damn You, Eggs Benedict 64 8.1
4. The Flavin' and the Mavin' 63 7.8
5. A Jock Strap in Hell 64 7.7
6. It's Always Nazi Week 77 8.1
7. Best H.O. Money Can Buy 66 8.1
8. Pinocchio's Mouth 70 7.9
9. The Mooch at the Boo 76 8.6
10. He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited 69 7.8
11. The Devil's Lube 58 7.8
12. Thank God for Scoliosis 64 8.2
13. I Think You Offended Don 72 7.7
14. David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie 69 8.1
15. I'd Like to Start with the Cat 54 7.8
16. She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime 78 8.3
17. The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? 65 7.8
18. My Son's Enormous Head 71 7.7
19. The Two Finger Rule 77 8.8
20. Hello, I am Alan Cousteau 81 8
21. Above Exalted Cyclops 65 8.3
22. Sir Lancelot's Litter Box 63 7.8
23. Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth 69 7.8
24. Baseball Was Better with Steroids 64 8.4
season 7
1. 818-jklpuzo 81 8.5
2. Whipped Unto the Third Generation 59 8
3. Mmm, Fish. Yum. 63 7.9
4. Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator 51 7.9
5. For the Sake of the Child 65 7.9
6. Give Me Your Thumb 58 8.1
7. Untainted by Filth 67 8.1
8. Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. 64 8.8
9. Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair 54 8
10. That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room' 52 8.1
11. Warning, It's Dirty 62 8.2
12. Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste 50 8.1
13. Yay, No Polyps 56 8
14. Crude and Uncalled For 55 7.7
15. Aye, Aye, Captain Douche 50 7.9
16. Tinkle Like a Princess 52 7.9
17. I Found Your Moustache 69 7.6
18. Ixnay on the Oggie Day 66 8.4
19. Keith Moon Is Vomiting in his Grave 54 7.9
20. I Called Him Magoo 54 7.8
21. Gumby with a Pokey 69 8.2
22. This Is Not Gonna End Well 63 8.1
season 8
1. Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud 78 8.6 Sep 20, 2010
2. A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer 74 8.1 Sep 27, 2010
3. A Pudding-Filled Cactus 68 8 Oct 4, 2010
4. Hookers, Hookers, Hookers 83 8 Oct 11, 2010
5. The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel 65 7.8 Oct 18, 2010
6. Twanging Your Magic Clanger 65 8.1 Oct 25, 2010
7. The Crazy Bitch Gazette 80 7.9 Nov 1, 2010
8. Springtime on a Stick 66 7.9 Nov 8, 2010
9. A Good Time in Central Africa 76 8.1 Nov 15, 2010
10. Ow, Ow, Don't Stop 73 7.6 Nov 22, 2010
11. Dead from the Waist Down 58 7.5 Dec 6, 2010
12. Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead 71 7.4 Dec 13, 2010
13. Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup 69 7.8 Jan 3, 2011
14. Lookin' for Japanese Subs 68 7.8 Jan 17, 2011
15. Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak 68 8.2 Feb 7, 2011
16. That Darn Priest 65 7.7 Feb 14, 2011
season 9
1. Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt 95 5.7
2. People Who Love Peepholes 56 5.1
3. Big Girls Don't Throw Food 78 5.2
4. Nine Magic Fingers 44 5.5
5. A Giant Cat Holding a Churro 51 5.7
6. The Squat and the Hover 54 5.5
7. Those Fancy Japanese Toilets 50 5.7
8. Thank You for the Intercourse 63 6.5
9. Frodo's Headshots 54 6.3
10. A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes 52 6.2
11. What a Lovely Landing Strip 54 6.4
12. One False Move, Zimbabwe! 46 5.8
13. Slowly and in a Circular Fashion 51 6.7
14. A Possum on Chemo 64 6.5
15. The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack 69 6.6
16. Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy 50 6.8
17. Not in My Mouth! 46 5.7
18. The War Against Gingivitis 60 5.8
19. Palmdale, Ech 77 6.4
20. Grandma's Pie 72 6.2
21. Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' 48 6.3
22. Why We Gave Up Women 57 6.5
23. The Straw in My Donut Hole 47 5.8
24. Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! 42 6.5
season 10
1. I Changed My Mind About the Milk 91 6.2
2. A Big Bag of Dog 29 6.4
3. Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt 65 6.2
4. You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For 73 6.7
5. That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam 76 6.6
6. Ferrets, Attack! 66 6.2
7. Avoid the Chinese Mustard 60 6.5
8. Something My Gynecologist Said 67 6.7
9. I Scream When I Pee 49 7.1
10. One Nut Johnson 70 7.2
11. Give Santa a Tail-Hole 65 7
12. Welcome to Alancrest 53 6.3
13. Grab a Feather and Get in Line 55 5.9
14. Run, Steven Staven! Run! 70 6.7
15. Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It 38 7.1
16. Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby 39 6.6
17. Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries 51 6.5
18. The 9:04 from Pemberton 55 6.6
19. Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon 24 7
20. Bazinga! That's From a TV Show 52 7.1
21. Another Night with Neil Diamond 22 6.5
22. My Bodacious Vidalia 16 6.6
23. Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped 85 6.5
season 11
1. Nangnangnangnang 108 6.5 Sep 26, 2013
2. I Think I Banged Lucille Ball 71 6.3 Oct 3, 2013
3. This Unblessed Biscuit 71 6.3 Oct 10, 2013
4. Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank 81 6.6 Oct 17, 2013
5. Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 47 6.6 Oct 24, 2013
6. Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants 72 6.5 Nov 7, 2013
7. Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie 79 6.9 Nov 14, 2013
8. Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. 68 6.6 Nov 21, 2013
9. Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer 68 6.5 Dec 5, 2013
10. On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! 76 6.8 Dec 12, 2013
11. Tazed in the Lady Nuts 69 7 Jan 2, 2014
12. Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. 16 6.7 Jan 9, 2014
13. Bite Me, Supreme Court 23 6.5 Jan 30, 2014
14. Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe 43 6.7 Feb 6, 2014
15. Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin 52 6.5 Feb 27, 2014
16. How to Get Rid of Alan Harper 66 6.9 Mar 6, 2014
17. Welcome Home, Jake 55 6.9 Mar 13, 2014
18. West Side Story 66 6.9 Apr 3, 2014
19. Lan mao shi zai wuding shang 52 7.6 Apr 10, 2014
20. Lotta Delis in Little Armenia 44 7.5 Apr 24, 2014
21. Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot 37 6.4 May 1, 2014
22. Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead 65 7 May 8, 2014
season 12
1. The Ol' Mexican Spinach 23 5.4 Oct 30, 2014
2. A Chic Bar in Ibiza 15 5.5 Nov 6, 2014
3. Glamping in a Yurt 27 5.7 Nov 13, 2014
4. Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight 33 5.8 Nov 20, 2014
5. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. 30 5.5 Nov 27, 2014
6. Alan Shot a Little Girl 9 5.6 Dec 4, 2014
7. Sex with an Animated Ed Asner 6 6.2 Dec 11, 2014
8. Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey 23 5.9 Dec 18, 2014
9. Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey 9 6.1 Jan 8, 2015
10. Here I Come, Pants! 10 6.1 Jan 15, 2015
11. For Whom the Booty Calls 13 6 Jan 22, 2015
12. A Beer-Battered Rip-Off 35 6.6 Jan 29, 2015
13. Boompa Loved His Hookers 6 6.3 Feb 5, 2015
14. Don't Give a Monkey a Gun 21 6.2 Feb 12, 2015
15. Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2 10 4.3 Feb 19, 2015
16. Of Course He's Dead: Part 2 1 4.1 Feb 19, 2015

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